Now that I'm an old retired person, I feel much more free to say "No!" I am no longer afraid of someone not liking me (I like myself and that's good enough for me), I am not afraid to hurt someone's feelings (though I do try to say No with grace, I do not back down no matter how much I am pressured), and I am pleasantly assertive in what I believe is best -- for me! What a relief. What freedom! I am no longer thrown about by the sad songs of humans who always seem to need something. I am now free to pick and choose what I want to do, and how I want to help. It leaves time for what really matters - spending time with family and friends, volunteering at the co-op, working on our house, volunteering with youth, and advocating for issues like the environment and the rights of working families.
But even with all this newfound wonderful assertiveness, I still falter on occasion. This past week my elderly cousin introduced me to someone who immediately asked for three favors -- one, help with a resume/cover letter so she can get a better job. I'm on board for that because I do like to help empower women, so I said yes immediately. But then -- request number two came as a surprise only after I'd already done the resume/cover letter for her -- she brought a college paper for me to help her with, because it was overdue and after all, she was a single mother, and she had no one to turn to. I did it because she was in my house, and somehow it felt rude and awful to ask her to leave. I was angry with myself later because one hour of my life turned into four (and I also missed lunch), and I felt like I needed those hours for other things. Then three, she asked my husband to help move furniture. Three strikes you are out. When asked by my cousin to help her again this week, I said No!
Have I entirely gotten rid of the guilty feelings when I do so? I have to admit, not completely, or I guess I wouldn't be writing this particular post. Psychologists will tell you that this is a human response -- we are social animals and we "make it" in society by being amenable to others. And I for one, have that "Do Unto Others" mantra in my head and I also personally hate rejection. But then again, I don't ask people to do a whole lot for me either.
Today we had a young man ring the bell -- selling some kind of magazine subscription for a contest. He looked to be about 18. Even when I immediately told him, "No thank you," he did that salesman thing and tried to keep talking - fast - the verbal equivalent of the shoe in the door. But it was not a real shoe, so therefore the real door closed on him while he was still prattling on. Did I feel guilty about that? No!
And let me not even start on the multiple requests from various entities and politicians that want to Save. The. Planet. Yes, I would like to help the poor polar bear who is sitting on that lonely iceberg that is melting. And yes, we need a more effective political system. But if I said yes to each and every request, I'd have to ask others to pay my bills. Here's where prioritizing comes in. It is harder, though, to say no when the request comes from family or friends, and certainly some of those requests deserve a yes even when I don't have the resources to do so. Hence the guilt. I'll live with that, though, because at my age, I'm beginning to realize that every day is precious, and money doesn't grow in paychecks anymore.
Let's all understand this - when someone says no to us, we should accept it. It doesn't matter what their reason is, or even if they have a reason. It is their life and they have the right to choose how to spend their hours, or their money. And when someone asks a favor that seems unreasonable, give that "NO!" and sleep well at night. I do.
No comments:
Post a Comment